Beyond Time and Space: A Play by Captain Qwark 1/2

The stage was vacant; a simple platform elevated up from the ground that featured upon it an empty void of nothing. Surrounding the simple stage was a collection of chairs; most were on the ground, surrounding the stage with a cone of seats. A few were elevated above the ground, hidden safely within balconies. Murmurs of excitement echoed throughout the large room, all eagerly anticipating the start of the show. Well, almost all…

"Ugh, how long is this gonna take?"

"Patience, Ratchet. This is a big moment for Captain Qwark. The least we can do is be here to support him."

"Yeah, I guess… let's just hope he didn't screw this up."

But we digress.

It was not too long of a wait before the lights in the theater dimmed to the point where you could only barely see your hand in front of your face. Only dull lamps lit the way from the seats to the outside, just in case of an emergency. But then bright lights activated on the stage, illuminating the entirety of it with minimal effort. Combined with the darkness of the rest of the theater, it immediately attracted your eye. Even more so when a man in a bottle green tuxedo with a red bowie stepped out onto the stage, head cloaked by a green mask with a singular antenna on top. Like most antennae, it was topped with a red light.

"Greetings, friends from across the galaxy," He paused for a second, then quickly added, "and beyond. As you probably already know, my name is Ex-President Captain Copernicus Leslie Qwark. I am the writer, producer, editor, director, and star of 'Through Time and Space: A Captain Qwark Production'," Another second of silence passed, after which he reluctantly added, "Inspired by a true story from Ratchet and Clank."

"Nice of him to remember us. And, uh, wasn't this OUR adventure?"

"Well… at least he remembered to tie his bow."

"Phft, I'll bet he forgot and Scrunch tied it for him at the last minute."

Qwark moved across the stage, holding the microphone steady in one hand and waving the other for dramatic effect, "The story you are about to hear and/or watch may shock, horrify or even baffle you considerably. But I guarantee you that everything you will see in the next three hours is seventy-five percent true. Based on personal accounts made by yours truly," At this point, he flashed a confident grin to the crowd, "The lovely Miss Talwyn Apogee who, unfortunately, was unable to attend our production due to food poisoning-"

"I envy her."

"Oh, hush."

"-and Ratchet and Clank, who have graced the audience with their presence here today. Hey, spotlight guys, could you point them out for me?" Two lights moved from center stage out into the audience, where they feebly waved through the audience attending to find the famed duo while Qwark directed them, "No, no- to your left, dammit, your left! A little higher… no, wait, go back, you had them! There!" The spotlights paused on a balcony near the back, where a feline creature with large ears – alternatively known as a 'Lombax' – and a fancily dressed robot sat, "Let's give our heroes a round of applause, folks!"

The crowd broke into wild applause, each and every one recognizing the famed galactic heroes and part-time actors. Although both shocked, the robot took to the attention quickly and waved. Moments after, his feline companion sheepishly echoed the gesture, clearly uneasy with the attention.

"Ehehehe… Qwark didn't tell us he was going to do this…"

"Just smile and wave, Ratchet. Knowing Qwark, it will not be long before he returns the attention to himself."

From stage, Qwark quickly called up to the guys, "Okay, that's enough Ratchet and Clank. Back to the real star of the show," Soon afterwords, the illuminated heroes vanished from view, and the spotlight focused once again on center stage, where Qwark awaited it with a smile, "Now, as we say in the theater: On with the show!"

And with that, the lights faded and Qwark disappeared from view. To keep the crowd's interest, another set of spotlights with multicolored lenses traced the roof and walls of the room, attracting people's attention away from the stage so they would fail to notice the actors scramble into place and the stage being set by a holographic environment generator. By the time the colored spotlights turned off and the regular spotlights turned on, they were greeted with a mirror image of Ratchet and Clank standing on their apartment balcony, the Lombax in question working on a ship while his robot partner was reading a book to his side. A soft, ambient musical piece echoed through the theater, setting the scene of a typical day for Ratchet and Clank.

"Ugh… I know they're just actors using hole-disguises, but they still creep me out."

"True, I am also experiencing a slight unease as a result of our experiences with clones, but I am moreover pleasantly surprised. This is already more accurate than I expected."

Then the duplicate heroes began talking.

"You see, Clank," The actor playing Ratchet spoke normally, but a microphone attached to his true being amplified his voice, "The thruster gains power from a fuel-recycling mechanism, which collects gaseous exhaust from a carbon-based fuel source and combines it with evaporated water particles to create an acidic rain effect within a contained environment, which proceeds to a purification chamber where the carbonic water vapor is cooled into liquid form and then purified by a hydrogen dioxide sorting system, which removes all water from the compound and creates an efficient fuel source."

Still reading his book, the actor playing Clank responded to Ratchet's ramblings without even looking up, voice detached and quite uninterested, "That is fascinating, Ratchet," He then turned the page.

"Geez, am I really that… nerdy?"

"No… am I truly that... stoic?"

"No…" A beat of silence, "Qwark sucks."

"Indeed."

A heartbeat later, a loud beeping sound echoed from within Clank's storage compartment. The robot allowed out of his chest compartment an infobot (played by himself), who beeped continually as Clank checked the caller ID. A moment later, he turned to the fake Ratchet, "Pardon the interruption, but it is from the Galactic Defense Center. We should listen in."

"Fine," Ratchet responded, visibly displeased to be torn away from his work, but complied and set down his beloved tool. Seconds later, both heroes were shocked and amazed as the face of beloved superhero Captain Qwark appeared before them. Both gasped, lowering themselves to their knees as Ratchet exclaimed, "C-captain Qwark! I wasn't aware you were going to be calling, sir!"

Qwark himself chuckled heartily as the both of them basked in his glory, "Oh, stop, you two. While I may be perfect in every way imaginable, even I cannot do everything myself. And, to that end, I have a task of the utmost importance to you."

Clank, utterly humbled, bowed his head, "Of course, Master Qwark. Just grant upon us your request and whatever you ask, we shall do!"

"Ugh, gag me."

"Do not worry, Ratchet. He will exit the picture soon enough... hopefully."

"Well," The Qwark on the vid-screen smiled, "It seems that the Planetary Defense Center is under attack. Naturally, I could handle these things myself, but it appears that they are also targeting the local orphanage. Would you two mind fighting off these cretins until I return?"

Ratchet knelled in front of Qwark, speaking humbly, "We are honored by your request. Don't worry, we'll be there shortly," The phone call then cut off, and Ratchet turned to the robot, "C'mon, Clank! Grab my hand!"

The robot, albeit reluctantly, grasped the Lombax's hand and, in return, was pulled roughly onto the experimental rocket-powered sled Ratchet had been working on. Triumphantly, Ratchet shouted aloud, "To the moon!" and activated the rocket sled. By technical standards, the thing was a barely functional prop. It couldn't exceed speeds of more than thirty miles per hour and, of course, the actors would not even reach that. To make it seem faster, though, they added cool special effects, such as smoke and holographic flames. To the audience, it really did seem like the actors were riding on an out-of-control rocket sled that would soon crash into whatever happened to be in the way.

Luckily, unlike their actual adventure, Ratchet and Clank just happened to land outside of the Planetary Defense Center.

The Drophyds, unlike Ratchet and Clank, were presented in exaggerated forms of their true selves. They were suddenly large and fearsome, as opposed to the meager foot soldiers of Tachyon that the real Ratchet perceived them as. Surrounded by the formidable foes, Ratchet and Clank were 'escorted' towards a ship not far from where they landed. There, standing upon a throne taller than his opponents, was a rather comically exaggerated version of Percival Tachyon himself. His head was portrayed as too big, and he was wearing a larger collar to compensate.

"FOOL!" The bug-like emperor cried, waving his arms in anger, "You thought you could hide from the might of PERCIVAL TACHYON?! I THINK NOT!"

The two heroes stared at him for a moment in confusion before promptly bursting into laughter, "P-Percival?" Asked the pseudo-Lombax, wiping a tear from his eye, "Really? What heartless jerk gave you a name like THAT?" Unable to hold it in, the two fell to the ground, unable to stand in the midst of their mirth, and the rest of the audience joined in.

"You know, it's really not all that funny anymore."

"It was at first, but by this point the joke has worn itself out."

"SILENCE!" Roared the Cragmite emperor. At his direction, the large, scary Drophyds took aim and began shooting mercilessly. Giving both sides a quick look, Ratchet tossed Clank over the head of Tachyon, just beyond his reach, and the robot landed upon the shuttle. Shortly after, Ratchet skillfully ducked underneath the large, walking throne and raced into the shuttle, which proceeded to take off. Tachyon watched, rage evident on his face, as Ratchet and Clank zoomed away in the stolen ship. If one listened closely, above the frustrated growling of the Cragmite, one could vaguely hear arguing inside of the ship, followed by the sounds of Ratchet's snoring and metal being hit. Hard.

The stage went dark.

A few seconds later, a single spotlight shone down upon a levitating Clank, who looked quite unconscious. The magic of soundless hover devices gave the audience the impression that he was levitating in mid-air. There was no sign of the ship or the Ratchet actor. Slowly, surely, the Clank woke up, gazing around in a daze. From the off-stage, three purple lights floated towards the robot actor. Soon, the lights dimmed enough to make out three levitating purple robots. The Zoni.

They spoke in unison, their big blue eyes glinting mysteriously as Clank examined then with stunned confusion:

"We who pass through space and time

Grant a warning to thee.

Heed the pleas we give in rhyme,

And prevent the future we see.

A device, sought out by darkened hearts,

Must meet a fiery end.

Should the Cragmite King conquer its art,

Helpless, the galaxy he shall rend.

We offer our aid from far beyond

The fabric of time and space.

Call for help, and we shall respond.

You must hurry! There is no time to waste!"

"Humph! I will have you know that the Zoni did NOT speak in rhyme. Actually, they barely spoke at all! I made absolutely certain that Qwark knew these things!"

"Well, it certainly makes them seem more… mystical, I guess."

"Even so, I will make sure to correct this on the holo-net later."

There was a flash of light, and then a moment of darkness. Then, the lights came back on, revealing a tropical setting. Ratchet was leaning over a fallen Clank, looking a tad worried. Then, almost too suddenly, the Clank actor awoke, to the relief of the Ratchet actor.

"Finally!" He exclaimed, "You'll never guess what happened! During the ride over here – wherever here is – we crashed into an asteroid and were sent hurtling down towards this planet. Luckily, a giant rock broke our fall," The lighting increased, and the audience could now see, to their amusement, the destroyed ship, "We'll have to find some other way out of here."

The Clank figure looked to the ship, then back to Ratchet, then back to the ship. Then he sighed, "Why do these things always happen to us? Oh, very well, lead the way, Ratchet."

"Ya know, something tells me this is going to be a LONG three hours."

"As son of the guardian of time, I can guarantee you it will be."

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Several scenes later, during which the duo got flung out of the Smuggler's ship-

"Ugh, I'd almost forgotten about that."

-Clank obtained the robot wings-

"It has been a while since we have used them. Would you care to take a flight after the play?"

-They discovered the 'Lombax Secret'-

"You know, Qwark made that look a lot harder than it actually was…"

-Broke into Apogee station-

"Do you think they would believe that we must do that almost every time we visit? It is getting quite ridiculous."

-And Clank received the geo-laser.

"Hey, how come you never use that in combat?"

"…try to be quiet, Ratchet. Speaking during plays is considered rather rude."

Now they were at the part where Ratchet and Clank met Kronk, Zephyr and Talwyn.

It was a rather comical scene, actually. Kronk and Zephyr both ran at Ratchet, prepared to tackle him to the ground and shoot him. Of course, both from opposite sides of the room and, of course, both screaming loudly. Ratchet didn't appear to hear them, too engrossed with staring oddly at Clank whom had, just moments ago, told Ratchet of the Zoni's existence.

Suddenly, he looked down and gasped excitedly, "Oh, a bolt! You know how rare these things are!" Bending down, Ratchet timed it just so that Kronk and Zephyr ran into and began wrestling with each other instead of Ratchet. The Lombax and robot simply watched curiously. Eventually, the fight was broken up by a single shot mere millimeters to the left of the fight.

"Will you two just calm down?" The enraged female actress shouted, "I was TRYING to fix the airlock. Looks like we'll still be launching guests into space- oh, hello," She smiled politely, "I didn't know we had visitors. Would you like some tea?"

"I feel like I should know that voice from somewhere. It's definitely not Talwyn's…"

"Correct. The voice belongs to the actress playing her: one Courtney Gears."

"…You've GOT to be kidding me. Man, Qwark's lucky the real Talwyn isn't here."

"I am just curious as to when Miss Gears took up stage acting."

So, one hasty explanation later…

"So, let me get this straight," The female raised her 'brow, "You're the last Lombax, hunting for the Lombax Secret while racing against the guy who destroyed the Lombaxes," Ratchet nodded, rubbing the back of his head with one hand while Clank, sitting next to him, examined the holographic walls, which held paraphernalia concerning Max Apogee.

"A nice touch of detail, considering who set it up."

Miss Apogee shook her head, "That's… insane. And ironic on so many levels. Hmm… then again," In an aside to the audience, told by the spotlights fading so that only Talwyn was truly visible to the audience, the robot-turned-Markazian said, "I could find out what happened to my dad if I collaborate with these two. All I have to do is provide them with… a little aid…" She grinned as the lighting on the stage returned to normal, "Alright, then, boys! We'll be glad to offer our assistance in your hunt for the Lombax Secret!"

Both robots playing her guardians allowed their jaws to drop, "Say what?!"

"Thank you, Miss Apogee," The Clank duplicate spoke, smiling brightly, "With your help, I am certain that we will find it in no time!"

"Hah!"

"Ratchet."

"Sorry. It's just funny in retrospect."

Both Kronk and Zephyr protested violently, but Talwyn Apogee would have none of it. The Lombax Secret would be theirs, or they would die trying!

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After crossing the (exaggerated) dangers of Ryan V, Ratchet and Clank and their allies came across the Lombax Secret. Sort of.

"It's a hat?" Ratchet's actor asked, exasperated, "What kind of idiot came up with a design like that?"

Unimpressed, Clank commented aloud, "The same idiots who birthed the genius whom came up with Tsunderwear and rocket-powered sleds."

Blushing, Ratchet turned away, muttering something under his breath about usefulness and hypocrisy. The rest watched a video (made 3D for the purpose of the play) about the Lombax Secret – the Dimensionator. Clank's eyes widened in recognition while Ratchet's widened in surprise. In two separate asides, the conflict was built, with Clank realizing that this was what he had to destroy to keep peace in the Galaxy, while Ratchet's monologue went into how he'd never known anything about his family, and how this may help him find the destiny he'd never known.

"Clank, should I EVER become as angsty as that wimp of a Ratchet, slap me as hard as you can."

The play seemed to drag on, despite only really glancing past most places due to the time constraint. It didn't really slow down its pace at all until the heroes reached the IRIS supercomputer, who gave an epic showing of Tachyon's history. It was after that when the real conflict began, with Ratchet snapping at Clank while the robot tried helplessly to convince him to destroy the Dimensionator.

"Did…did I ever apologize for that?"

"Yes, you did. Multiple times. To the point where it got to be a little much, my friend."

Eventually, after freeing a much too flirty Talwyn from Zordoom, Ratchet and Clank managed to get to the Kerchu capital of the galaxy, where, for the first time, Ratchet held the Dimensionator in his hands. He gazed at it with astonishment and amazement, and then turned to the audience, where the lights dimmed yet again.

"Ah, great. Another monologue. Can I throw tomatoes at these guys already?"

"No."

"What questions can this device answer?" Wondered aloud the Lombax puppet, "What can it reveal about myself? My family? Why I, alone, was left to suffer the curse of my ancestors? What answers lie in this wondrous circuitry? And why would my beloved companion, whom has stood by my side for years-"

"Qwark used the wrong tense. 'Whom' should be 'who' in this case."

"Interesting note, pal. Let me tell you about how much I care."

"…Humph. Fine, if that is how you are going to be."

"-want to destroy this? Hmm…" The Ratchet stroked his chin in deep thought, "Perhaps I can reason with him… surely he'd understand if I just calmly and rationally told him that he's insane."

So the Ratchet actor did. He turned around, opening his mouth as the lights resumed their normal luminosity. Only to discover, to his horror, that the pirates (merely glanced over earlier by Qwark) had snuck up behind them and grabbed Clank. In return for his safety, they asked only for the Dimensionator and Ratchet, out of tricks, handed it over, only for Clank to be thrown roughly into his arms in return. The pirates laughed at them as they fled, dimension-hopping helmet in toe, and Ratchet and Clank chased after them.

After a stealthy, careful infiltration that never took place in real life, Ratchet's duplicate went mano a mano with the top banana of the pirates. After being unintentionally crowned King of the Pirates, Ratchet demanded the Dimensionator which, once again, was stolen right out from under their noses by the fantastic, stupendous, fabulous, handsome and brave Captain Qwark, whom vowed to throw it into a black hole, much to the bemusement of everyone else. After a little more redundant praised heaped onto Qwark, Ratchet and Clank chased after him, Reepor being their destination.

And then, predictably, everything went to heck.

The Cragmite Emperor, Percival Tachyon, appeared out of nowhere to steal the Dimensionator from Qwark, revealing that he had never trusted the hero and had him bugged, just in case something like this happened. He then proceeded to bring back the Cragmites, knocking Ratchet and Clank over the edge. Ratchet, unconscious, could only fall helplessly as his companion reached out and cried for him before Clank, too, fell.

The two awoke in separate locations to have their own separate pilgrimages back. Qwark did this in stages – every other scene, the two switched between each other, with Clank being protected by the Zoni and Ratchet having to fight through the Cragmites. Clank was merely worried about his companion. Ratchet seemed to assume Clank was dead.

It was the Lombax who made it back first and, when he did, he met the waiting Talwyn with a sad, forlorn look. When she asked where Clank was, Ratchet simply replied, "He's gone."

"Oh!" She cried, then immediately pulled him into a hug. Ratchet, overwhelmed with grief, didn't resist the embrace, even as the Markazian began moving her hands suggestively alongside Ratchet's arms, as seemed to be natural for this flirty incarnation of their friend.

"And now Qwark's REALLY lucky Talwyn couldn't make it. She'd murder him if she ever saw this."

"Assuming, that is, that Kronk and Zephyr do not do so first."

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a loud sound attracted the attention of the characters and the audience to the upper left part of the amphitheater, where Clank swooped in with his robotic wings. Apparently not noticing the sheer shock on his friend's face, he greeted, calmly, "Hello, Ratchet."

"CLANK!" Ratchet ran towards his companion, unintentionally pushing Talwyn out of the way in the process. Upon coming terribly close to hugging him, though, the Lombax realized his almost PDA and immediately corrected it, "I'm, ah, glad your okay, pal."

The Clank actor nodded, echoing with, "I am happy to see you unharmed as well."

They then shared a heartfelt, meaningful fist bump, full of all the love and affection they felt for each other.

"Well… that was… kind of awkward."

"Man, Qwark's slipping. He actually got something almost right."

"Do not worry. I am certain that he will subvert his efforts with something moronic in the upcoming scenes."

From Reepor to Meridian City it was! Using the bug placed on Qwark (as opposed to the whiny distress messages he'd sent in real life), the two tracked down him as well as Tachyon's army. Also unlike real life, it was Ratchet who got all hopelessly depressed, with Qwark cheering him up and earning his undying gratitude. It was here that Clank revealed to Ratchet a vision sent to him by the Zoni of the planet Fastoon, where he believed Tachyon was heading. Although visibly nervous about telling Ratchet, the Lombax surprised him by following his orders without complaint.

After a quick sequence which Clank got them ejected from their ship, the duo conveniently landed in the Court of Azimuth.

"Fun fact: This is the Court of Azimuth," Reported the intangible voice of the Cragmite Emperor, "It is the last place most of the Lombaxes – your people – saw before they ran like cowards, with their tails between their legs!"

"LIAR!" Roared Ratchet, "Lombaxes are NOT cowards!"

There was a slight pause, before the Cragmite asked, "You want proof?" Ratchet never gave an answer, but Tachyon seemed not to need it. He, without warning, opened a portal in the center of the court, where one was able to get a view of a majestic looking city, "There they are. What remains of the once great Lombax people. They're waiting for you… go to them. Go home, child. You deserve a nice, long rest."

To his credit, the actor playing Ratchet genuinely looked torn, brushing against the holographic portal with only two fingers. Then, his face hardened, he turned back and spoke loudly, so that Tachyon could hear him, "Not a chance. I'm not leaving here until the Dimensionator AND you are out of commission!"

"Insolence!" Called the Cragmite king, "You shall pay for this with your life, harlot!"

"Harlot? What does that even mean?"

"…you do not want to know."

With his alliances reaffirmed, Ratchet and his companions set out to defeat Tachyon once and for all. The battle was epic and glorious – Qwark really went all out on the special effects. Tachyon screamed all throughout the fight, angrily shouting at them to die at first, but as the fight went on and Ratchet showed him just what his years of experience as a superhero had brought him, the villain began pleading.

"Only I know your purpose!" He shouted as his defeat came upon him, "Only I know your true name!"

Unimpressed, Ratchet snorted aloud, "Oh, yeah, I'll bet. Say 'hi!' to Chairman Drek for me, would ya?" And, with a single foot stomp, Tachyon went tumbling through the dimension, never to be seen or heard from again.

"…okay, point Qwark."

"I am constantly surprised by this play's emotional depth. I am also experiencing doubts as to whether or not Qwark actually wrote it."

Victorious, the two heroes spent all of five seconds celebrating their victory before the realm started collapsing around them. The two actors exchanged a look of panic before moving away from the destruction. Together they dodged, ducked, dipped, dove, and dodged the various amount of debris coming from (the silent maintenance sled cloaked in darkness above them) nowhere. While they ran, the faux Ratchet pulled desperately on the hats rip cord, murmuring pleas for the thing to activate, to send them home.

And then, in a flash of unexpected light, it did. Just in time to avoid being squashed to death by falling debris.

End scene.

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When light returned to the stage, Ratchet had been returned to the Apogee Station set, surrounded by his friends and family. He appeared groggy and disoriented, asking the simple question of, "Where are we?"

To which the Clank actor replied, "We are home, Ratchet."

That seemed to be the cue for a flurry of confusion, with Ratchet suddenly being surrounded by his fellow cast members as they applauded him and congratulated him, while talking to each other in the background. If one listened closely, they might have been able to pick out certain compliments towards Qwark and miscellaneous nonsense. Other than that, nothing extraordinary.

Then the Zoni appeared.

Their arrival was nothing short of spectacular, with lights blinding the audience from all sides as odd, almost indefinable music set the mood. Then the creatures themselves became visible, fading into reality with the dimming lights as they were surrounded by a heavenly blue glow. Quietly, the Ratchet actor asked if these were the Zoni, but Clank paid him no mind, instead approaching them with awe.

"We who travel through time and space

Are grateful for your return."

As they approached, still speaking in rhyme, the Clank on stage seemed to become more and more fascinated with them, almost hypnotized, while the Ratchet eyed them cautiously.

"We had hoped that you would return from a place

that shows its inhabitants such unconcern.

And now that your quest is complete

There is no reason to roam."

The Zoni swooped down, surrounding the small robot. It was at this point that the Ratchet actor realized that Clank wasn't reacting to the mechanical time-travelers, even as they surrounded him and lifted him off the ground. The reaction, once the shock had passed, was almost instantaneous; the Ratchet jumped for Clank, looking like he was going to grab the small robot out of the air. And he would have... had the Zoni's strange energy not knocked him back. The lights flickered on and off, making the blue colours surrounding the Zoni and Clank stand out all the more. And all the characters left on the stage could do was watch in horror as they rose up.

"For now that you have accomplished this feat...

Dear sire, it's time to come home."

"Come... home..." The Clank repeated mindlessly. All the Ratchet left on stage could do was run up underneath them, calling out to Clank. At this point the lights had cut out completely... you could only make out Clank, the Zoni, and Ratchet on the stage, even Qwark taking a backseat to the two. There was a sudden flash of light as the robotic characters disappeared, leaving Ratchet to collapse down to his knees.

Fade to black.

"I... did not expect this scene to be that intense... Ratchet? Are you okay?"

"...yeah. Yeah... I'm just..."

"Ratchet?"

"I'll be fine. I just... need a moment."

"..."